Living From the Heart

I feel like a ton of fear has been lifted from me–my mind feels clearer, my heart feels lighter and I feel more awake these last few days.  I can sense my energy returning and flowing more freely.  I’ve been able to hear my intuition.  I can see the possibilities!!  No more living like I am slogging through molasses!

Fear…It has made me live small.  It has limited me.  It has made me accept things that my Highest Self never would have.  It has made me hold back my true self–my true thoughts and feelings.  This is no way to live.

Of course that’s not to say that I haven’t done courageous things or enjoyed many moments of love, beauty and fun and fulfillment.  But it’s as if a veil of anxiety has been obstructing me from really FULLY experiencing life and from really FULLY being myself.  And now (at least for now!) the veil has been dissolved.

When I’m in fear, I’m in my head.  I’m worrying about the future, I’m analyzing everything, I’m wondering what I should say/do, I’m trying to guess how someone else will react, I’m doubting myself, I’m not believing in my worth and my abilities.  Not a fun place to be.

Even a little fear can lessen our ability to live wholeheartedly in the present.  We may not be aware that’s it’s there.  But it makes us live in a contracted way.  Sometimes what we need is a big WAKE UP call!

Luckily, I received one last week at my Reiki session.  It wasn’t quite what I had expected.  It was intense.  Afterwards, I almost felt as if I were in shock–like a person who has been hurt but hasn’t felt the pain yet.

That night I had a dream.  A woman was holding a book and it was called–PAIN.  I remember how vivid that word was.  When I woke up, I could feel all the pain that I hadn’t expressed begin to bubble up.  And later, I exploded in sobbing.

When we live in fear, we don’t want to feel pain.  We want to pretend that everything is okay.  We try to control our emotions.  We stuff them down.  Why?  Because it seems easier to sleepwalk through parts of our life than it is to face what our TRUTH, to face what isn’t working in our lives.

Facing things usually means change and we don’t like change.  It’s difficult because change means loss.  We may gain in some very wonderful ways but there will be loss that accompanies it.   Things will not be the same.  And often we are uncertain of what lies ahead.

I have been trying to embrace uncertainty more.  It is, perhaps, one of the most difficult lessons in life.  We cannot control our future.  We cannot control others.  We can only live from our innermost core and then surrender to the rest.  Trying to plan and predict is such a waste of energy.  And we ARE energy!

As much as we would like to believe that things are not changing and that our bodies our solid, this is not the case.  Indeed, we are fluid and in continuous change.  How easily we forget that our bodies are up to 70% water!

We are energetic beings.  Energy is what we are.  And emotion is the movement of that energy.  Unfortunately, we become so attached to our emotions and we so desperately want to feel a certain way!  We want to feel happy, relaxed, powerful and mostly…. in control!  We often make decisions based on our desire to feel good or to avoid feeling bad.

But these kinds of choices will not lead us to the kind of fulfilling, peaceful and joyous life that we dream of.  The only way to real feel truly content and at peace with ourselves is to live from our centre;  to choose, not from our small, contracted and fearful ego self, but from our large, expansive and loving Higher Self.

When we can live from this centred place, the fear will fall away and clarity will take its place.  Suddenly, instead of being attached to outcomes (and attempting to control things in order to get the outcomes we think we want), we are living completely true to ourselves no matter what.

Suddenly, we are not agonizing over what to say or how to say it.  We are not trying to guess how things will turn out.  We are not hoping for a particular future.  We are not running from pain.  We are simply living and really BEING in the moment;  spontaneously, with humour, joy and acceptance.

Our intellect has it’s uses but we need to ask ourselves–Do we want to live mainly from our heads–analyzing, judging, planning, rationalizing;  always trying to control?  Or do we want to live centred in our hearts–feeling, seeing, intuiting, accepting;  becoming the best version of us we can be?

We can be a bundle of fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, confusion, sadness sending out energy that drains and depletes us and others.  OR we can choose to understand the blocks in our own energy, work through them and then begin directing our energy so that we are giving out and receiving energy that is light, peaceful, joyous, compassionate.

This is it!  We are vibrating energy, existing on a planet, floating around in a galaxy.  No one really knows all the answers to life’s mysteries.  We can only choose, moment to moment, to live from our hearts, to live with love and to live as best we can in alignment with highest our Highest Self.

I read a wonderful affirmation that I will use to close this post:

“I am all that I allow myself to be.”












Where to begin?  It’s been such a wonderful and weird week.  On Tuesday, I woke up with a feeling of peace and safety.  I just had this feeling that everything was going to be okay.  After so many days of waking up with a heavy sadness or a mildly unsettled mind, this was a pleasant change.  What had happened?

I think one of the reasons was my commitment to my life as it was in the present.  For months, part of me has been resisting reality;  one foot out the door ready to escape to a different and “better” life.  I guess I finally realized that it is ALL HAPPENING NOW.  There is no where else I am supposed to be.  Nothing else I am supposed to be doing.  No one else I need to be.  I just need to live FULLY the life that is in front of me.

That’s not to say that there aren’t things I want to work on and aspects I want to change.  There are!  But I consciously decided that I am going to accept where I am right now.   I am on the path.  My path.

Another thing that I think helped a whole bunch was repeating positive affirmations to myself.  for one week, I focused on thinking happy and positive thoughts.  What a world of difference this made!

Also on Tuesday, I was seeing numbers in triple–222 and 444 both came up a couple of times.  So did 333.  I looked these up and discovered they are called “angel numbers”.  I have encountered these numbers at other times in my life, too.  What did they mean?

222 means that you are aligned with the truth.  It tells you that you are on the right path.  Keep thinking positive and know that everything is going to work out for the best.  444 is a sign that you are being supported and protected.

I really felt that I was somehow looked after.

Another morning, I woke up singing a simple song (that I had never heard of before).  It was just–Voices…voices…voices…voices… I sang it as went about my morning routine.  Then while I was eating lunch, I was listening to a DJ’s show and the last song was kind of a old school house.  Suddenly, I noticed that the lyrics were–Voices…inside my head.  Weird, eh?

Friday, I had a bit of a bumpy afternoon and I could sense the anxiety slipping in.  The story started out with worry about my future and ended in self-pity and doom.  I realized how much I feared losing control–being swept up by someone else’s life or ending up in some unpleasant situation.  I so wanted to be in control;  to have things go my way and to feel the way I wanted to feel.

Luckily, I could see this story and was able not to get caught up in it for long.  It was just these words in my head.  There was no truth to them.  Just my made up scenarios where everything came crashing down.  I had this feeling like, Oh my God, this story just isn’t working anymore!  Now what?!

Saturday, I busied myself–cleaning, organizing and planning.  My way of saying–See, I am in charge.  I’m in control.  Everything is orderly and just how I want it!  Yay!  Look at that shelf I just organized!  I feel so good!

But that anxiety hadn’t played it’s way through yet. I had a couple of unsettling dreams last night.  One was, I was in my home town at the big lake and it looked frozen and covered in snow.  But then it started falling out from under my feet.  I saw someone and yelled–Help me!!!

A part at the the end of “Being Erica” stuck in my head too.  “Drop the belief that you can’t make it on your own.”  I think for a long time, I have held this belief.  I really didn’t believe that I was strong enough or capable enough to handle life.  I played helpless to get attention or assistance.  It was another belief that needed to released.

I just stood, mountain pose, in my hallway crying it out.  Not even sure exactly what was being healed but feeling cleansed and renewed just the same.  I read the meaning of the 222 again and felt the truth of it.  It is a message of faith–everything is being worked out for the highest good of all.  Let go of the struggle, the suffering.

When our old worn out stories don’t work anymore, what is left is to FEEL.  To feel the anxiety, the worry, the doubt, the uncertainly.  The truth is that things are constantly changing and our stories, denials and busy-ness only keep us from that fact.

There have been so many synchronicities in my life in the last couple of years and especially in the last week.  I just had a small get-together today and the connections between the people was uncanny!  I had just thought this morning of getting back into some gentle yoga and I wondered where I might find a gentle yoga class.

Lo and behold, one woman I invited taught gentle yoga!   Another woman I invited, spoke of her experience with letting go;  exactly what I have been thinking about!  Somehow the miraculous universe has brought the exact right people into my life at exactly the right time.

It sounds weird (even to me!) to talk about angels who are looking out for me, protecting me and guiding me but that is what I have been feeling.  I have absolutely no doubt that there is something much, much BIGGER going on that none of us understands.  Life is a mystery.

I was just sitting and listening to some groovy house music yesterday thinking how really AMAZING this world is.  The trees, my heart beating, a cat coming to visit us on our patio, the stars…

In the words of Dan Millman–“Open your eyes and see that you are far more than your imagine!! ” When you open yourself, you will see the synchronicities, the magic and the miracles.  “Wake up, regain your humour.  Don’t worry, just be happy.  You are already free!”