I wrote this for my blog about a week ago. Funny, I am just realizing that Remembrance Day is just around the corner…
Remembering who I am is bitter sweet. It’s like coming out of a trance (as in the words of Tara Brach). For me, it’s been a 30-year trance. I think again of the movie Matrix when Neo is told to take the red or blue pill and then comes out into the stark reality, naked and alone. He is pushed out into the unsettling truth–that he has been living a virtual life. He feels resistance at first but knows there is no going back. Interestingly enough, I had a dream the other night where I was trying to get home on the train. One train was red and the other was blue.
I also had another dream where I was trying to go home. Remembering who you are is like this. And just as Neo had mixed feelings of shock, anger, sadness and fear, I, too, have had to process many emotions. Sometimes I doubt this path and I wonder–Am I doing the right thing? Am I going the right way? What if I am just wasting my time? What if all of this is more delusion? What if my ego is tricking me? But I know deep down those doubts are false. This IS the path. This IS the real journey.
I’m not sure if people around me really understand. I have to stay strong in my own knowing. This is the time for me to really start believing in myself and trusting myself. I can never really explain what my journey has been like the last few years. Words are just not enough. And as much as I want to be understood and accepted, I have to move toward SELF-acceptance. Because it really doesn’t matter if others accept me. What matter is that I accept MYSELF, exactly as I am. The most important thing is simply expressing my truth. Putting myself out there.
Remembering is bitter sweet. There is a lot of pain, grief, regret. For seeing the truth does hurt, even if it only comes a little at a time. There is a lot of joy, too. Joy that pierces through the pain. Joy in being present, in seeing clearly; Joy in being ALIVE and REAL! Joy in feeling connected–to my inner wisdom, to others and to that indescribable force which weaves everything together.
For on the one side, I lament over all the ways I have hurt myself, hurt others, lived small and hidden, all the ways I have been afraid, all the ways I have missed out on the love, the abundance, the beauty because of false beliefs. On the other side, are the limitless possibilities, the excitement, the inspiration! I feel myself overflowing with wonder. I sense myself blossoming. I feel part of something much bigger. I feel a whole new world opening up. I can see the real me–open, joyful, loving, truthful, powerful, going through life with ease and lightness.
Life is too short to live being half real, half honest, at half power, only half open, in half relationships, only knowing half love. Again, there is sadness knowing I have spend nearly half of my life, merely half alive and half awake. There is fear–what if I can’t life up to this image I now have in my mind? What if I fail at my becoming all I can be?
But here I am, writing with my whole heart, and yes, it is a WHOLE new world, with a WHOLE new me. It is no wonder I feel like I could cry and jump for joy all at once! The more I write, I understand and the more I understand, the more feel at peace with this WHOLE process. I am coming out of the trance, coming home, remembering who I am. FULL-ON DONNA!
Life is a wild and wonder-filled ride! Wake up and remember who you TRULY are.