LET’S GO CRAZY

I woke up this morning at 5:45.  I felt wide awake.  Excited.  My mind reviewed the dreams I had.  One dream was about going to a club I used to go to–Maniac Love.  In those days, I would get up at 4am to get ready to go dancing.  I always had a feelings of excitement, urgency, eager anticipation.  I felt compelled to do this–drawn to the dance floor like a magnet to metal.

There was no fear, no pondering whether what I was doing was right or wrong, no feeling of doubt, no hesitation.  This morning, I can feel that intensity;  that sense of purpose.  Yes, that’s the word–PURPOSE.  I had to get up and write this.  The words pour out of my head.  I put them to paper.  I must express.  This is what I live for.  This is my purpose.  On the dance floor, I express who I am through movement.  When I write, my expression is in words.  This is what gets me going in the morning.  EXPRESSION.

I think when we find our gift, we experience and inexplicable urge to action– a doing with purpose and meaning.  It is the feeling that a child has on Christmas morning, waiting with excitement and anticipation to open her gifts.  And what a beautiful analogy that is–opening gifts.  She can’t wait.  She wants to do it now!  This is the feeling I am talking about–Urgency–not in a fearful sense but feeling that something amazing is about to happen.

Do you remember a time in your life when you had this feeling?  Bring it to your mind.  Recall the details.  Remember how your body felt.  Your heart was beating fast.  Your mind felt alert, clear and focused.  Your eyes felt wide, wondering how things would unfold.

When I was getting ready to go dancing, I was completely focused on what I needed to do;  nothing else mattered.  Maybe I was kind of a maniac;  a little insane.  I mean, who gets up at 4am on Sunday to go dancing at a club?  But was an amazing to be so driven and motivated.  I remember a shirt I had that said–FUCKIN’ GO NUTS.  And that’s pretty much describes me on the dance floor.

Aren’t we all just a little too sane and too calm in this world?  Like the song by Seal–And we’re never gonna survive, unless we get a little crazy.  Or my all time favourite by Prince–Let’s Go Crazy!  Those words have been my motto lately.  Let’s Go Crazy!!  Let’s do this!  What are we waiting for?!!

There is no greatness in mediocracy or normalcy.  Many great artists, scientists, inventors and other creative types have been known as being a little crazy or obsessed.  Mental illness and creativity often go hand in hand — Vincent van Gogh, Virginia Woolf, Pythagorus to name a few.  Some researchers even claim that mental illness is the result of an over-functional brain. It’s possible that nature needs us to be a little crazy.

While I don’t want to make light of mental health disorders, I do think that many of us could let a bit more mania in.  I mean like passion, eccentricity, weirdness, queerness and quirks.  In other words, get your freak on!

We all have gifts to share with the world and we aren’t gonna find them by trying to be like everyone else.  We need to find what makes us different and unique, what energizes us and gets us excited to get up in the morning.  When we live with this kind of intensity and purpose, we feel alive.  Not only do we feel more alive but we will find and open our gifts and this is how we best serve the world.

Many of us unknowingly turn down our own intensity level to protect ourselves from feeling hurt, disappointed, rejected or dejected.  But sadly, when we turn down the intensity on these so-called bad emotions, we also lose the excitement, urgency, passion and purpose that drives us.  When we shut down our hearts, life shrinks into safe routines, superficial conversations, unfulfilling work, dishonest and disconnected relationships.

To really be ourselves, fully, we must find our own unique path.  It’s a road not taken.  The way is uncertain.  And you may just have to go a little crazy (or at least allow for others to see you that way).  By allowing yourself to be, you will discover the rush of your divine nature flowing through you.  Allowing, flowing, flowering… EMPOWERING your body and soul.

Wake up!  Get excited.  GO CRAZY!!

TRUST

I wrote this post about a week ago in my journal and I am writing it here now.  Just so you know…

I went to bed last night feeling good about myself–proud of myself.  I looked back over the last week or so and thought of how I had changed;  how my mind-set had changed.  I had gone from feeling helpless, lost  and depressed to feeling empowered, focused and excited.  I was standing up for myself on a daily basis.  I was feeling inspired by the books I was reading, I was doing things I loved to do…I felt more ME.  Yeah, this is who Donna is.  This is the woman I know and love.

Confidence was beginning to fill me.  I was starting to trust myself again!  And I often have this deep intuitive knowing that the universe is working with me.  This didn’t really all happen overnight as you would know if you’ve been following my posts.  Years of self-exploration and self-healing have gone into this creation.  I have been studying myself!  And just like any study program, there comes a time when you stand tall and allow the sense of accomplishment to sink in;  when you look back at all the hard work you’ve done and you say–Yeah!  I did it!  Yay me!!

I think what has given me the push I needed was the knee issue I’ve been having.  The instability I felt in my knees was, without a doubt, a reflection of what was going on in the back of my mind.  I had been feeling insecure and unstable in my LIFE.  I was without regular income and doing something new that was sometimes triggering my feelings of incompetence.  It’s no wonder my knees felt like they might give way beneath me!  My body had manifested what my subconscious mind believed–that I couldn’t handle it.  It was my –“Help!  Come rescue me!”  syndrome.  “Please tell me what to do!”

And I won’t lie…I did freak out at first–my old default mode for when something bad or scary seems to be happening.  My mind instantly started to go to worse-case scenarios.  But then a funny thing occurred.  I started to tell myself–NO! I am not going down that road.  I am not going to waste time feeling sorry for myself and worrying about the future.  I thought–I have a choice here.  I can choose to be grateful and think positively.  I can choose to stay in the present.

I was bummed out at having to take a break from yoga.  I had my heart set on going to the studio, getting stronger.  But I realized that perhaps part of the reason I rushed into the yoga classes was out of fear–fear of being at home at the time.  The restlessness.  I wanted some way to get out.  I wanted an escape, time for myself.  Ironically,  it was likely the yoga that caused the knee instability!

So I decided to give my knees some rest and time to fully heal.  I decided that I would find other things to do.  Last weekend, I made two big, bright poster collages. So fun!  I rediscovered my magnetic word poetry–I felt like I could have gone on making nonsense phrases forever!  I got into a book on building a home business called–The Barefoot Executive–that was very motivational.  And here I am writing this post that never would have existed in this exact way if life had gone the way I wanted it to.  Yup, learning to let go a little…

As I was making one of my posters I was listening to some psychill on the radio.  A song came on and my attention turned to the man’s voice saying–“Everything works together to produce your highest good.  You must increase your trust!”  WOW!  It was like he was speaking right to me.

I do still worry about my knees and my stability–in my body and in the world.  Sometimes I can get out of the fear quickly.  Sometimes it last few hours.  Once in a while I can get lost in the negative thoughts for most of a day.  But even as I feel myself getting sucked into the loop of negativity and fear, I try to stay aware.

And there are also days when I feel this profound sense of faith–that everything is going to be okay;  that the universe is working for me, not against me.  There are days when I wake up early, excited to get on with my day.  I feel a world of possibilities opening up.  I feel my desire driving me to engage in what I love–things that feel right.  I feel an eagerness to learn, a thirst for connection, a craving to create.  I delve into a book.  I contact a friend.  I write.

Yes, I want to take charge of my life!  I don’t want to just be drifting along, waiting for what I want and expecting to just happen without any effort on my part.  I don’t want to be  following someone else’s dream or depending on other people to tell me what is okay to do–to give me approval or permission.  I know what I want and I’m really beginning to TRUST that I know.

As I start believing that indeed–I AM everything I need–the feelings of safety, security, and stability will grow and the fear will lessen.  And I hope that as my awareness expands, my subconscious will no longer be able to sabatoge me.  (That’s one I am still working on–the fear of the fear!)

I think with time, my whole mind will be telling my body–Yes, you can stand on your own two feet!  (If you fall over or trip sometimes, that’s ok.  You are always succeeding and becoming more YOU.)  Yes, you can stand up for yourself!  (If you sometimes don’t get the response you hoped for, that’s ok.  You are always safe and supported.)  Yes I CAN.  I CAN HAVE A FULL AND HEALTHY LIFE!!!

I feel like I’ve been in a cocoon for the last three years.  I am now a caterpillar that is in metamorphosis–slowly becoming the butterfly.  I am about to spread my beautiful wings.

Yes, my mind-set is changing and my body will surely follow.  From thinking of myself as weak, helpless, incapable and not knowing what to do, to being able to trust myself, my body, my instincts, my intuition, my intelligence, my gifts.  Now instead of instantly saying to myself–I don’t know how…I can’t…. I am saying–I’ll figure it out!  I am a powerful, creative and resilient woman who is on an adventure towards self-reliance, fulfillment and balance.  I may not know exactly where I am going or how I am going to get there but I know the next best step and that is all I need to know.