I was asked –How did you do it? How did you recover?–and I enthusiastically answered, hoping that my experience would inspire and encourage someone. But now I feel I wasn’t entirely truthful. My ego had come out. I had emphasized how I had done it all myself; no one had told me what to do. I had decided to start meditating and eating better. I didn’t need support. This was my ego’s story–I am so capable and independent. I don’t need any help.
Well, yes it was partly correct. I had made a lot of positive choices for myself but I needed that huge wake up call in order to get me going. So then I thought–“Who gave me the wake up call?” My body had been compensating for the lack of food for years and by my late 30’s, I had probably been running on fumes for quite some time. Finally, something had to go–my ovaries stopped functioning.
Looking back, I know that something inside me had been trying hard to get a message through for a while. I’m sure it wanted to say–Pay attention! Take care of me!! I need proper food and rest. Please stop abusing me!
It had started out as a tap on the shoulder; small hints to let me know something was not right. I didn’t listen because I was so caught up in having ‘fun’. I had fooled myself into thinking that dancing and drinking all night was a reward. I was mistakenly convinced that I had spent enough time denying myself and restricting my eating and now I deserved to let loose and go wild. I had almost completely blocked out my wiser self’s quiet voice that was saying–‘There will be consequences…’
So I return again to my question–Who gave me that wake up call?–I used to say that it was the universe that pushed these situations into my life so that I would stop living in denial. In fact, even before the big wake up call, I had another strong warning. This one only managed to slow me down, unfortunately, and at 37, I still continued my compulsion of drinking and dancing til all hours of the morning.
Had the universe brought these circumstances into my life to help me? Or maybe these situations were just inevitable given the path of self-destruction I was on. The idea that I am coming to believe now, though, is that it was really ME who gave them to ME!
I can remember that quiet voice of wisdom within wishing I could somehow get out off the unhealthy rut I kept digging but I found myself unable to stop; just like a hamster running its wheel. My higher self was always there, always wanting what was best for me. When the voice couldn’t get through to my mind, it had to create a health challenge that was serious enough for me to finally take notice and make some changes.
How clever I was that the health issue I designed made my destructive actions virtually impossible. I could no longer drink since it made me feel horrible and I had no energy to dance. Going slow was the only way I could move. Funny how I had spent nearly ten years in loud crowded clubs and suddenly my 41 year-old body could no longer tolerate these kinds of environments at all. I had tailor-made this situation to fit me! Fancy that! I had provided myself with exactly what I needed to get better.
With all distractions gone, I was pushed into awareness. Perhaps the best gift I gave myself was anxiety since it the anxiety which led me to meditation. It all seems pretty miraculous to me now.
Yes, healing is a very personal journey and you will heal yourself in your own way, in your own time. Once you get some momentum, the healing process seems to take on a life of its own. Awareness its like magic, making fears, repressed emotions and negative patterns disappear. All you have to do is stay awake and aware and let it happen.
This force I call ‘the universe’ acts through me and IS me. A few months ago, I woke up in the middle of the night after having one of my lucid dreams where I am telling myself to –Wake up!!– I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I leaned in closely to look at my face and my eyes and I could see my eyes shining from behind what seemed like a mask of skin. I put my hands on my face to see if I was real. Was this real? I felt like I was seeing God looking through me, at me. My mind went back to the CSI show I had watched that night and the men wearing rubber women suits. All of a sudden, it was clear to me that we are really not these physical bodies at all. They are merely the covering that we wear; just like clothes.
I think back to the question–How did I recover?–and I realize that there is a better word to describe what I’ve been doing–UNcovering; peeling of layers. (Recover sounds like something you do to a couch when it gets old!) Uncovering is exploration, mystery and dare I say…excitement. In getting through my health challenge, I had unknowingly also healed my eating disorder. Two birds with one stone, as they say.
This process of uncovering is what we all long to do. We don’t want to wear the thick, heavy armour of protection that makes us feel separated. alone; fearful and closed. We yearn to be open. We yearn to feel connected. We yearn to be ONE with everything and everyone.
The truth is, the more we heal, the more we uncover and the more we uncover, the more we heal. It is a life-long cycle that has no beginning and no end. It’s created for you, by you. Wherever you are and whatever you are doing, you can be certain that it’s exactly right. All you need to do is trust. The universe is a friendly place. You ARE the universe and the universe is YOU! Wake yourself up!!