ENOUGH

I AM ENOUGH.   This is one of the affirmations that I have been using recently.  I’m hoping that if I say it enough times to myself, I will eventually start to really believe it.   As you may guess, it is never quite that simple.  I still hear that same old record playing in my head;  the voices that tell me–You’re not strong enough, not smart enough, not interesting enough.  You’re not creative enough, not courageous enough, ambitious enough or adventurous enough.–Why do I still find myself listening to them?  Why can’t I just be satisfied knowing that I am doing the best I can?  Why is it so feakin’ hard to let the past go and move on?

Change can be excruciatingly slow.  It’s seems to be always two steps forward and one step back.  AHHH!  I feel different on the inside but the progress I see on the outside is more subtle and hard to notice.  I do see some changes in my actions and reactions.  My voice is a little stronger and firmer and has more conviction.  I’m more comfortable with speaking up for myself.  I’m less nervous when facing confrontation.  I think I’m getting better at listening with an open mind.  Perhaps I am sounding less judgemental and more compassionate.

I’m definitely better equipped at dealing with these negative voices when they pop up.  I have the tool of awareness. Sometimes I am able to stop them before they get out of control.  Other times, the voices start out softly and then get louder and louder until I realize I’m caught up in a whirlwind of negativity and often ends in a dark place where I’m calling myself a loser.  In these cases, it feels like I’m in a fight–punches are knocking me to the ground and I am begging for mercy until finally I get up and strike back.  These days, I frequently win but I’m not so sure that fighting is really the best solution.  I need to learn to just observe and lovingly let go of these self-defeating thoughts that no longer serve me.

I notice external circumstances that are mirroring my inner battle.  I see that I’m ultra-sensitive these days to people who ‘say’ that I’ve made a mistake or I’m doing something wrong or something is my fault or I don’t have the knowledge or skills.  To me, it’s like they are implying that I am weak, stupid, incompetent, thoughtless or unsuccessful since my interpretations of events is filtered through my belief of not being good enough.  Basically, in my eyes, they are confirming what I had already believed about myself–that I’m a loser.  When I can step back with this perspective, the irony is actually quite hilarious!

My soul knows the truth and it knows that I am perfect just as I am.  When I feel that others are putting me down, inside I scream–You can’t say that to me!  I’m doing things my way and I’m doing just fine, thank you very much!!!  Hey, wait a minute!  It’s not my fault.  I have nothing to feel guilty about here.  So maybe this isn’t my area of expertise but I am an intelligent and intuitive woman who has lots of talents and abilities!

I woke up from a dream last night.  A guy told me that I had a special talent–“You lift people up,” he said.  “You make people feel good.”  My soul felt the truth of his words.  I remembered the mission I had created from myself fifteen years ago–to spread joy.  I feel this is my gift–to uplift.  And now I see that this has two meanings:  1.  to encourage, inspire and share my positivity (spread joy)  2.  to raise and expand people’s awareness–spiritual ascension.

Ascension is enlightenment and evolution of consciousness.  It’s a profound understanding of  the interconnectedness and purpose of all things.  It’s changing negative to positive, fear into courage, misery into joy, hate and indifference into love and compassion.  I believe strongly that if I keep following my intuition, listening to my dreams and being true to myself that will be doing exactly what I need to do…I will continue to have a positive effect on other people by  uplifting them.

This is not an easy path to take when our society is so focused on achieving, being ‘successful’, making money, making logical decisions and listening to external information sources.  People might begin to think I am kind of weird and eccentric…but I’m getting more and more okay with that.

When coworkers ask me what I did on the weekend, I usually reply, “Not much.  It was quiet and relaxing.”  Actually, the truth would sound more like this.  “I thought about my boundaries and how to take responsibility for myself.  I fought with negative self-talk in my head.  I had a dream that gave me an important message.  I cried a lot for both known and unknown reasons.  And I wrote in my blog about my personal struggles, discoveries and insights.”  Looking closely at yourself and examining your life is tons of tough work!

Oh, by the way, crying is not a sign of weakness.  It’s a way of releasing pain and negativity.  It’s a way of cleansing the body and soul.  Some may think, “She is weak.  She is overreacting. She can’t control her emotions.  She should man-up!”  or they may just be afraid to look at her tears because they can’t face their own painful emotions.

The fact is, holding in frustration and anger only gives the voices of doubt and insecurity more power.  Having a good cry is possibly the one of the best things you can do to get unstuck and move forward.   When we allow those tears to fall, it can give us a new perspective on the situation;  clarity of mind .  Suddenly, we realize that all these little dramas are merely superficial human experiences.  These people and events are in our lives to help us learn what we need to learn.

The other thing you can do when you are feeling stuck, depressed or unmotivated is to get up a move!  Getting your energy flowing is a fantastic way to change your mind set and get you out of your thinking loop.  Building core strength is especially important to increasing your ability to follow through with your ideas and goals, dreams and ambitions.   So do some crunches and some planks!  Another great exercise is twisting your upper body from the waist, side to side, while keeping your hips in one place.  This detox yoga asana is sure to make you feel cleansed and energized.

I AM ENOUGH.  We are all enough.  We all have our unique path to follow and our special gifts to share.  All you really need to do is keep your awareness and clarity so you can make choices that come from your inner wisdom rather than from fear.  If you have the sense that you need to make some changes in your life, LISTEN to your intuition rather than beating yourself up over not being enough.  For example, maybe you keep feeling that you want to be more creative.  Instead of getting angry with yourself for not being artistic enough, be open to creative opportunities and be ready to say YES!

At the end of your life do you think you will be saying to yourself, “I didn’t have a big enough house.  I didn’t know enough about politics.  I didn’t travel enough.”?  I doubt it.  I imagine the things that people most likely regret the most are not being true enough to themselves, not being brave enough, not giving enough, not being compassionate enough and not loving enough.  Perhaps what we really need to do is focus less on accomplishment and more on contribution.  We all have so much to give–our love, our gifts, our wisdom and ourselves.   And that’s enough.